Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
ttyl tear gas
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize