If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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