Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
