Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize