If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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