Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
