May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
