Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Randomize
