and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
