Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Randomize
