I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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