jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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