last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
