And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
