Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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