Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
