I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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