I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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