mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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