Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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