I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
