he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
