Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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