just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
