i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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