woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
