The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
