I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
