While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
