Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
