I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
