clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
