SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Green mimosas i think yes
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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