just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
