I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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