I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
