I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You ate ashes out of my bong
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
