WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
MIDGETS
????
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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