i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
why do cheetos always look like penises
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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