i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
