i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
