can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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