Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
And then my night got REAL pukey
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
