wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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