Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
