Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize