i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
