why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
