He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
