You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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