I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The air was thick with penises
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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