the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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