college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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