hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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