I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
