im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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