Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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