I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
