I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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