I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize