Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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