oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
