Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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