i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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