The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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