When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize