So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
